So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Randomize
