pedialite and red bull = repair kit
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
