Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
The air taste purple.
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