your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
