He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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