yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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