my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
