So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
