doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
