So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
