How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
