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you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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