So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
My ATM looks so different sober.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
