something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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