Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
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