I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Randomize
