I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
