Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
