isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
