it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
