so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
