I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
