you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
