We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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