I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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