Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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