my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
