Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
