I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Randomize
