You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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