I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
