i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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