thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
