chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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