Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
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