the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Randomize