It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
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