Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
