i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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