Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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