can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
