my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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