i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
