booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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