Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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