Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
