She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
