I smell stomach acid.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
he shaved USA in his pubs
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
