my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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