She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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