textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
tell me about the eggs
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
