I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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