he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
