dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
