I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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