i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
